Rejection

A tear escaped my eyelid as I read the first line of the letter. It was a gateway for a torrent of escapees until it felt like there was nothing left. A sense of failure settled into the deepest niches of my mind and I cried, emitting no sound but feeling the pain driving deep into my heart. Regret, anger, sadness, disappointment, terror and pure self-hatred coursed through my veins and clouded my thoughts. It was regret at not listening to my parents and wasting my time. It was anger at the misleading thought I’d always had; that it would all work out in the end. Sadness, that I had let my parents and everyone else who believed in me down. Disappointment in myself, the lack of effort I had put and the sheer amount of talent that I had let go to waste. Terror at the thought that I had no where to go while my friends had started building the blocks to a successful and perfect life. Self hatred, because I could’ve had the same thing but I didn't have that choice anymore.

I remembered the days where I would postpone everything from an hour to a day to a week. Time flew. Assignments were given in on the last day and though I put in effort, I didn't do my best. When I could’ve been exceptional, I was merely mediocre. I remembered class 10 so well, when I thought that doing well in English was the only thing required do become successful in the fields I aspired to be in. I attributed my bad grades to math and Sanskrit. “I’m not taking those subjects next year. And they suck. It’s really difficult to do well in a language I don’t understand and math is something I just can’t do.” No questions asked. People warned me to change, to take control of my life before it was too late. I listened to them and my heart agreed but my mind remained adamant and after trying to make a difference for a few days I sidled back into my laid back lifestyle. One of my key personality traits were strong headedness; unless I internally decided on something, no external factor could actually induce any change. This did not work in my favor here.

I tried to make a difference in class 11 and 12. Looking at my 80 percentile in the board results, I realized that this wasn't enough. My attitude had come in the way of my success. My dreams lay shattered before me, my parents hard earned money lay waiting, not worth it and my existence on this planet seemed frivolous. I had never felt so worthless in my life. So helpless and tiny. It seemed like the entire world was growing around me and I sat in my deprecated state, growing steadily smaller. What probably made it worse was that this whole thing was my fault. There was no one who could help me, even out of pity because there was no way out. I had had everything at my disposal. There was no scope for the blame to be put on anything or one other than myself. They had warned me about this. But I had never really believed them. It wasn’t possible I had thought. I had time. I would change. I would prove them wrong. I would smile and feel liberated when I opened those acceptance letters. I would party and rejoice with my friends as we compared the ranks of colleges we had gotten into. I would be proud of myself as I saw the happiness in my parents’ eyes as they realized that their life’s work had been worth it. I would hold my head high.

How naïve I was…

My eye few open before my mind could complete that thought. It all felt so real. The emotions, the feelings, the ideas. I sat breathing deeply for a couple of minutes before turning my head on my pillow and staring into space.